


Bliss

by roughlycut



Series: 100 drabbles in 100 days [7]
Category: Marvel
Genre: Alternate Universe, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Self-Harm, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-11
Updated: 2016-07-11
Packaged: 2018-07-23 01:11:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7460748
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/roughlycut/pseuds/roughlycut
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There are thin white and pink lines scattered all over both of his legs, scars in various stages of healing.<br/>Most of them disappear over time, but a few of them remain.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bliss

Thin red lines appear on his left thigh as the tip of the scissors slide across his skin. The blood gathers in little beads, before slowly making their way down between the hairs on his leg and dripping onto the white tiles of the bathroom floor. He doesn’t cut deep this time, just putting enough pressure onto the skin to break it, running over the same spot several times to get the full sensation of pain.

There are thin white and pink lines scattered all over both of his legs, scars in various stages of healing. He might not be able to stop, or be able to control it, but he makes sure to never harm the exact same spot twice. Most of the scars disappear over time, but a few of them remain. 

He remembers when he made them and why they are so much deeper than the other ones. The one placed just above his right kneecap, the first deep one he ever made, was from a few days after he lost his parents and his arm. He’d been home alone, sitting on the kitchen floor in his aunt and uncle’s small apartment, crying. He hadn’t been able to feel anything, the numbness engulfing his whole body and mind. So he had jammed the tip of a kitchen knife into his leg. 

The long thin one on the inner thigh of his left leg was created a few years later when he’d decided to come out to his aunt and uncle. They’d been having dinner, in silence as always, and he’d finally mustered up the courage. And then his uncle had made an especially horrible comment, in relation to a gay politician, and Bucky’s mouth had gone dry. As soon as he could he had fled to his room and dragged a screwdriver down his leg. It had bled so much he thought he’d might have to go to the hospital, but he’d managed to get it under control. Afterwards he had called Steve, voice thick with tears, and begged him to come get him. A week later he officially moved in with Steve and his mom.

He’s talked about it in therapy, the self-harm. He’s tried to put into words the kind of feeling the scratching and cutting gives him. He understands why he does it. The pain distracts him from whatever is happening in his life, big or small, and it calms him down. He understands he shouldn’t be doing it, that it’s not a healthy coping mechanism. But even though he’s doing it far less than he used to, he can’t stop. Because nothing compares to the bliss he gets from this. 

Nothing.

**Author's Note:**

> This is a part of my 100 drabbles in a 100 days fic challenge. This is from day 11.  
> The paring I drew for this one was Bucky & Steve and the word was "bliss".  
>   
> If you want to you can read more about the challenge here: [100 drabbles in 100 days challenge](http://silasbatman.tumblr.com/post/145883214882/100-drabbles-in-100-days-challenge)  
>   
> The fics I don't post here on AO3 you can read over at my [tumblr](http://roughlycut.tumblr.com) :)


End file.
